Sunday, July 29, 2007

Dear tourists …

Do you leave your brains at home when you go on holiday? That’s the only explanation I can offer for the idiocy I have witnessed from tourists this weekend. Either that, or those I have encountered are just imbeciles.

I have ridden on the beach twice this weekend. It has been windy on both days and people have decided it would be marvellous fun to fly kites. Fine; just don’t swoop them down so they frighten the horses, and don’t stand in the middle of the beach so I don’t know which side you’ll chose when you bring them horse-scaringly down to earth. In addition, if you have a yappy, rat-like terrier that enjoys chasing things, keep it on a lead when there are horses cantering by. I don’t enjoy being chased.

I also would advise fathers with toddlers to look where they are going and not stare at the sand when they decide to walk up the beach from the sea. Then you will avoid being ploughed into said sand by a galloping horse. That’s what nearly happened to one poor dear today. He awoke from a dream when I yelled: “Watch out!” as he ambled across my path. There is no way I, or the two riders behind me, would’ve been able to stop in time.

Climbing down the main access route to the beach through the dunes, must, it would seem, be arduous work. I can come up with no other explanation why a family would set up their seats, yellow inflatable boat and child’s buggy across the main thoroughfare like an Everest expedition’s base camp. Such behaviour is tantamount to sitting down in the middle of the pavement. And don’t look at me like I’m an idiot when I ask you to move it. It’s not me that’s blocking the only horse-friendly route off the beach.

Regular readers of this blog will be aware that I am no fan of caravans. My hatred is ratcheted up another notch when caravette drivers with white hair and indecipherable gender decide to reverse without bothering to look what’s behind them. I offer no apology for going into full shouting, arm-waving Basil Fawlty mode when they narrowly avoid hitting a pony.

And it’s only the second weekend of the holidays …

22 comments:

Gill said...

ah so the universal lady boy is hiding in a camper van on the north east coast- i wondered what had happened to shim.

rilly super said...

Darling, I can't help thinking that begining your little billet doux with 'dear' is misleading as regards the tone of what follows.

I remember a couple of years ago whilst making my way through some northumberland dunes to try and find the beach a chap emerged stark naked from such a caravette thingy as you mention. I didn't like to mention it before incase he was a friend of yours but it seems now he was perhaps not from around those parts. 'well, say something!' I urged my husband. 'Good morning' my husband said to the naked caravanner. men, huh!

muddyboots said...

excellent blog! tourists, used to bang roof of their cars with dressage whip if they drove too close whilst riding out. have actually had a car drive into a horse, hadn't realised she was so close. the horse had to be destroyed. Also tourists can't read.. 'dogs on lead' means DOGS ON LEADS, not 'my dog is well behaved'.

Gill said...

Muddyboots you reminded me of the time when I saw a tourist's dog attack a sheep and when I had a go at the owners they said "Well there was no notice on the gate saying sheep were in here." I think the grey things going baa probably gave the game away and I'm sure farmers have better things to do than put labels on all the gates like- I have sheep in here, cows in here, this one is for silage etc etc.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I do wonder if said tourists are the same when they are at home. Do they drive in the middle of the road? Do they cut corners when big green landrovers approach? Do they EVER look where they are going? Yesterday I witnessed A tourist throw a handfull of litter from their car. Now that really pisses me off.

mountainear said...

That would have been so amusing if what you've observed wasn't simply so dumb AND lifethreatening.

You're right the brains have been left at home.

Mopsa said...

It's all in memoriam for younger days. Remember when you were left off the leash to go on hols as a teenager without parental scrutiny? Don't know about you, but I certainly did stuff I would NEVER have contemplated if I were at home. And so, feeling old and tired and very un-teenagerish, holidaymakers try and relive their dafter youthful moments, all without the excuse of literal immaturity.

Karen said...

i don't have any stupid tourist stories i'm afraid.

i hate motorcyclists who make the beach noisy and dangerous though. Drigg beach hardly ever has anybody on it so I hate it when the bikers and I are there at the same time!

Gill said...

Of course whenever I go on holiday I am NEVER a stupid tourist hahhaha-Ever been held up on the tube whilst some oldish fat bird wonders where to put her ticket?

lady macleod said...

OH please! I will trade tourists horror stories with you anytime. Surely there is some sort of organization for us? How is it that these people leave their brains AND their manners at home? I rather tend to think they had neither to begin.

They should be swept up and sent to one beach/island/site/rides all together so no one else has to deal with them. A bit like a Disneyland meets "Escape from New York". Kurt Russell anyone?

mutterings and meanderings said...

Gill, call shim back, for all our sakes!

Rilly, I do not know any nudists, fortunately ...

MB, so sorry for your horse. I would've gone utterly ballistic...

Gill, by that argument, they should've expected a sign saying 'dogs welcome in this field'...

CJ, I don't know if they are the same at home. I just wish they didn't do it here!!

Mountainear, sadly that is the problem - the stupid things they do are potentially very dangerous...

Mopsa, I have been plenty stupid when I was younger, when I was on holiday and even now on occasion BUT my stupidity does not put other people in danger.

Karen, bikes aren't allowed on the beach here, thank god! Although bikers are usually utter gentlemen going passed horses.

Gill, see comment to Mopsa above - that's not endangering other people..

lady M, shall we start a secret society?

Arthur Clewley said...

I used to ride a bike M&M. I suppose that because bikes are very noisy then riders tend to slow down for horses, also you can fall off a bike, like you can a horse ( and it hurts I can tell you) so there is some bond of understanding perhaps.

Omega Mum said...

Your labels made me laugh. It's all context, that's your problem. Nude men on beaches, being chased by police - par for the course for the grockles. Horses? They wouldn't have a clue.

@themill said...

My dear M&M, you must remember that you are nothing but a mere northerner. If I were you I'd lock yourself into the house with a few bottles of gin and stay there until September.

Gill said...

mm- not a danger? it depends where you put your ticket!

Pig in the Kitchen said...

I spent the day on the beach today and thankfully was not mown down by Frankie Dettori et al (I'm presuming you bear a passing resemblance to FD when hunkered down for the full gallop?), I do like the distinction 'Dads with toddlers', that rings very true (not YOU of course SAHD)...does the Black Beauty music ring in your ears as you thunder along the beach? I see you in slow motion...

ziggi said...

not just tourists is it, sadly, I've had people drive so close to my horses we've had to jump out the way, and at speed too - the worst was my daughter riding along when a car full of idiots (male) started beeping and shouting obscene comments eventually causing her to fall and then they just drove off. Luckily they were both ok (ish) but have been very nervous out on the road since.

dulwichmum said...

I promise I behaved myself on holiday and was not worrying any horses - well I hope I wasn't, I don't have even a hint of cellulite you know...

lady macleod said...

Yes! IT's BLYMy

Illmannered Tourist s
Begone, Leaving Your Money
..and the 'y' just works don't you know.

DJ Kirkby said...

I always thought riding on the beach would be blissful but I hadn't considered these hazzards.

Anonymous said...

How's 'bout you be a bit more careful where you ride that huge animal, eh?

mutterings and meanderings said...

Ah, dear Anon who dare not leave their name, I am careful and I do look where I'm going. That's the whole point!