Monday, March 17, 2008


My car is going to get me into serious trouble.

I am hugely grateful for the turning of the year and the ligher evenings - if only because it means I sometimes manage to get out of town without having to switch on my lights. Although my headlights are working, they seem to have a mind of their own. If I indicate, the full beam will come on. Sometimes the full beam comes on if I drive over a bump in the road; sometimes it comes on for utterly no reason.
Sometimes it takes several attempts to turn it off and the person in front will - obviously - think I am flashing at them. I won't be surprised if some burly white van man stops and thumps me.

This itchy trigger is just one of the many ailments my car is suffering from: the engine often has spluttering fits like a 60-a-day smoker (those in the know tell me the 'big end' is going) and the exhaust seems to have emphysema. People ask me when I'm going to get it fixed. I say I'm not; I don't see the point in throwing good money after bad. "Some people pay a lot of money to make their car sound like this," I tell them. My point is proven when I drive past teenage tarts and wannabe boy racers and they turn to see which of their loud-exhaust heroes has just whizzed by.

The windscreen wipers have just started to make a tick-tock noise when I turn them on, for all the world like a clock counting down to the end of the road. If the relationship between my car and I was a book, we would now have reached the final 25 pages.


Pig in the Kitchen said...

it can never be good when your big end is going. i once had a 2cv with similar light/electric problems. The horn would start to honk randomly when I turned the lights on, all very amusing.
How long until your car goes to the great scrapheap in the sky i wonder?!

Yorkshire Pudding said...

You need a new car. Failing that you could always ride the grey mare into town - preferably dressed like Lady Godiva - I mean you - not the horse.

Expatmum said...

Reminds me of the clapped out Renault 5 I drove in the 80's (before I got the company hairdryer-on-wheels). Every time i slammed the door the window would disappear down inside the door.

Anonymous said...

eminem, please tell me you aren't one of these stupid bloody women who thinks of a car like an animal, and gives it some tlc at the start of its life, and then doesn't realise it will need a lot more care and attention as it gets older ??

It is not a horse - it will not 'catch a bug' and then be better after a few days 'box rest'. If it has problems with the indicators it is not going to clear up of its own accord with a bit of poultice !!

You need to take it to the vet soon and get the mechanics to sort it out !! You have to invest in a car - there is no alternative, unless you want to drive a death trap that is a danger to you and, more importantly, other road users !!

Give me strength !!

Anonymous said...

By the way, neither have you told us what make, model and year the car you drive is. Can you imagine if you had left us this much in the dark about the make and model of the horse you drive.

And puuuhhhlleeeeeeaaaaazzzzzzeee don't even think about coming up with the asinine phrase, 'It is just a way of getting me from A to B'. [The car not the horse..]

Brom said...

I am so sorry to hear that your big end is going, at least your car seems to be providing some light entertainment.

As long as it takes you safely from A to B, that's the main thing.

Anonymous said...

Looking on the bright side, eminem, with the Chancellor's recent measures the cost of second hand cars is likely to fall off a cliff.

I can see a roaring trade in 'Chelsea tractors' being ditched in London as the new congestion charge kicks in, and being transported to Northumberland where they will feel more at home !

A similar thing has happened with Vauxhall Fronteras migrating to Wales in the manner of elephants heading off to their ancestral graveyards..

mutterings and meanderings said...

I do indeed need a new car - even if it's just a means of getting from A to B ...

Anonymous said...

Oh honey, don't drive a car - wear it !

Pick something which expresses your personality. If I had the dosh I'd buy you an old American mustang with the logo of the horse on the front radiator..

Karen said...

Ah the joys of old cars - I had a 1992 Renault Clio that had perfect body work but the clutch cable kept snapping, it was full of condensation, the fans didn't work properly, the engine overheated and had to have a new cylinder head gaskett (not cheap) and because it was when catlytic converters first came out it was shit and the exhaust had to be replaced often. My mum and dad used to as a deposit for a Mini as technically it was still their car. I am currently carless. I would love to have a little secondhad run around but can't afford it at present. As I haven't driven for so long I now have a bit of a phobia about it.

Mopsa said...

Blimey M&M, your neat expose of your car seems to have the misogynists out in force. Go and buy a really pretty car, in pink, that purrs.