Thursday, April 19, 2007

Cutting it

Some people compile lists of things to do before they die; I have a mental one of things to avoid, such as cancer, broken limbs, root canal work - and mowing the lawn.

Cutting grass was not a problem at the bad place: there wasn’t any. I adored the house previous to that, but unfortunately that warm, fuzzy feeling didn’t extend to tending the garden. I would occasionally pull a couple of thistles but the grass and hedge were rampant. The cats liked it: my parents didn’t. Eventually, my dad would become so embarrassed that he and my brother would descend, armed with garden implements to tidy it up. I would smile secretly to myself: mission accomplished.

I also have warm and fuzzy feelings towards my current home; I also have, as a condition of tenancy, to keep the garden presentable. Last week, after nagging him from the day he returned home from university, I cornered my brother and forced him to come and cut the grass.

He appeared with grandad’s hover mower. “He’s going to buy a smaller one at the weekend,” said my brother, “so you can keep this one here.” It is now living in the shed. I try not to look at it when I go in for the horse feed.


The first cut, so they tell me, is the hardest of the year. Once the worst of it had been slashed through, my brother made me try. “It’s just like Hoovering,” he said. I didn’t tell him that I also avoid that whenever possible.

I was instructed to mow again at the start of the week. I didn’t, and now multiple treacherous green shoots are pushing up through the dry cuttings that I failed to rake off the lawn.

There is a bowling green close to my house. At the moment, a battalion of groundsmen, armed with machines sounding like demented dentists’ drills, are attacking all signs of growth. When they are finished, the green will look as if it has been trimmed with nail scissors. Compared to that, I simply can’t cut it.

20 comments:

Gill said...

Pay some handsome young man to do it for you!!

mutterings and meanderings said...

Gill, unfortunately, I am both poor - and tight!

Anonymous said...

I am neither handsome nor young but would happily mow your lawn as I was bought a fab 'steel-bladed' mower by my folks for my last house ! However I moved to the centre of the city and now have NO lawn...

That said, after your earlier post, and the recent news about that house being trashed following an advert on MySpace, I suspect having strange men turning up with sharp-bladed power tools is an invitation you can probably resist.

Why don't you get a goat instead ?
Far easier, and you get to milk them and make some cheese !!

Gill said...

I don't suppose they charge much and you could make sure they only work stripped to the waist and get enetertainment value at the same time?

Drunk Mummy said...

You could always get it Astroturfed - but then you would probably still have to Hoover it.

Sarnia said...

Some people are so obsessive about lawns.

My brother-in-law for one. He forbids his (young) sons to play football on the lawn because it will make holes in it or whatever his reason is.

What the hell else is a lawn for?

We have quite a large garden (for Guernsey) and it was always full of bald bits because my sons (and daughter) were always playing football, rugby, cricket whatever on it.

I've never mowed a lawn in my life either, M&M.

My Mother-in-Law told me that when she was first married and in a new house they had so little money that they had to cut their grass with scissors (couldn't afford a lawnmower). Me - I wouldn't have bothered doing anything.

Chip Dale said...

Have you considered a goat?

Or sheep. They work equally as well, though being Welsh I find it difficult to recommend sheep as it usually attracts lewd suggestions.

mutterings and meanderings said...

You Welsh lads and your goats! Unfortunately my lawns are not large enough to accommodate one. The dream of owning a Georgian mansion (with Mark II Jaguar and hot and cold running staff) by the time I was 30 didn't happen. Sigh, as Rilly would say ...

Gill, they do charge lots. I have enquired.

Drunk Mummy, I think Astroturf is utterly appalling stuff..

Sarnia, I'm glad I'm not alone here. You are right to allow your lawn to be used - after all, what else is grass for?

Mopsa said...

Last night I tackled the lawn (well, ex-paddock, hillocky and full of docks) with the mower in synchronicity with the neighbour. We had a race. I won. I felt virtuous, smug, fit. And then I remembered that next week I have to do it all over again. Toy-boy the ram is just a gate away - but do I really want ram shit on friends' feet and broken windows in my office (it opens to the garden)? We are martyrs to our lawns.

Karen said...

Astro-turf is evil as when Vince gets home from playing football I have to tend to his bloody knees and wash all the grit out while he squeals when the grit rubs into his grazes. Nasty nasty stuff.

mountainear said...

Lawns seem to be impossible to stop growing - but just try growing grasses for any other sort of decorative purpose. You'd think a prairie border would be easy-peasy given the raw ingredients - full of thuggish elements which take over elesewhere. but nope - those grasses just aren't playing. Could be me of course.

Ziggi said...

Can't you leave Grey Mare in there for the afternoon - works for me!

rilly super said...

regarding your taggy label type thing 'men have their uses' dear, I hope you will elaborate and justify this rash statement in a future post to help reassure those of us who might find this to be over-optimistic speculation at best and need all the reassurance they can get, sob

Anonymous said...

Gill said :-
"Pay some handsome young man to do it for you!!"

Now can anyone remember which film had some guys having to cut a lawn with scissors as a punishment ?

It must have been some kind of military film. It can't have been 'An Officer and a Gentleman' [too classy] or 'Full Metal Jacket' [too gory].

Somebody out there must have a clue - since it seems a useful punishment for any misbehaving hoodies..

Marianne said...

Handsome young men? You should have said M&M. You know I make my own.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Oh dear Madam, you really are a lazy ass aren't you! Stop thinking about it and do it! I will be cutting our grass tomorrow and it takes me around two hours to do the entire "estate"! It can be quite therapeutic - out there on a nice day doing something that is so mundane you don't have to think...

Anonymous said...

yorkshire - now, now - there is abso-bloody-lutely nothing in the world wrong with being lazy. Most of the world's problems come from folks not being able to sit still, chill and do nowt...

What about you going over there and mowing eminem's lawn, so she can enjoy some quality 'horse' time ?

You could even install a hammock and serve her a cooled glass of wine on her return..

http://www.steppinout1.co.uk/butler1.jpg

mutterings and meanderings said...

Mopsa, I bet you have muscles on your muscles. You want to come and cut mine?

Karen, that is so true...

Mountainear, I'd like a non-growing lawn ...

Ziggi, it's this time of year that the battle with her weight starts -she just has to look at lush grass to pile it on!

Rilly, I was thinking of their uses as gardeners. I know they have other uses, but it's not that sort of blog ...

Dunno Anon, but they did clean the loos with toothbrushes in Private Benjamin

Marianne - you still haven't sent me one!

YP, I'm not lazy, I just have better things to do with my time!

Anon, that sounds like a plan.

Orhan Kahn said...

I am yet to cut the grass on one of those vehicle lawn mowers. That would be kick ass!

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